Tonight finds me back in familiar territory...wishing, hoping, wondering...confusion, fear, hurt and anxiety!
I wonder if I completely misread the situation. I am confused about the situation. Wishing and hoping the situation is not what I fear and Anxious that the situation is exactly what I fear!
Steve came to see me on Sunday. I made dinner and dessert. He ranted about how good my Lasagna was and ate quite a bit of it (Even took home leftovers). We talked about a lot of things and the evening seemed to be easy and comfortable. He seemed reluctant to leave and after having been there for 8 hours, he finally kissed me...which was pure heaven! the kiss led to more...which is something that I had wanted for quite some time. We spent the next fours hours having sex, talking and exploring each other. He seemed happy when he left. We were both exhausted and he had a long drive ahead of him....I sent him a message later in the morning on Monday checking on him and seeing how he was holding up with so little sleep. He responded and seemed happy. He sent me a message on Valentines day and we sent several messages back and forth that day.
I have not heard from him since.....
Where is he...What is he doing....Why has he not contacted me?
Does he think that all I want is sex? Is that all he wants? A while back when we were flirting via text messaging I was getting the impression of exactly that and out of fear, I asked...his response was that he he wanted more, but was unsure of what he wanted...When we were talking I told him that I was unsure if I ever wanted to get married again or if I ever wanted to live with anyone again, but that I was leaving those options open in case life chose to bring me someone that would make me change my mind. Maybe I confused him...maybe since I said that he thinks I just wanted sex...I know I cannot answer these questions....I wonder....
The really weird thing is I get the feeling that he is a lot like me...we think alike in many ways and when we have been talking this theory has been right quite often...so going with this train of thought....he really likes me, but is so scared of getting hurt again, that he lets his fear rule his judgement and keep him from moving forward. Like me, his divorce was tough on him and he admitted to me the other night that while he has dated several women in the four years since his divorce, he has not dated anyone seriously. I on the other hand have had a couple of serious relationships and have met some individuals who have not treated me in a way that I deserve.
So where do I go from here? My emotions are all over the place...I go from thinking that there is some logical reason why there has been no contact to believing that I completely misjudged the type of person that he is...the really odd thing is that I don't think I am wrong...when it comes right down to it...I don't think he is that kind of guy and I am fearful of how it would feel to find out he is. Scares the crap out of me...I really care for him and I want more...I am willing to be patient, but I need more confirmation in order to hold on. I know I could send him a message and wait for the response but I want him to work through his fear and contact me, if in fact it is his fear holding him back....
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Weight of Everything
Tonight as I was speaking with a close friend I found myself near tears as I thought about events of the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of health issues that luckily turned out to be nothing, however, the worry and fear leading to the outcome seemed manageable until it became overwhelming. The funny thing about being overwhelmed is that you don't know you are overwhelmed until you are actually overwhelmed!
Last year I was experiencing an issue with my hip...lack of range of motion and pain. After several different visits to specialists the insurance company relented and allowed me to have an MRI which found no significant reasoning for the hip issue, however, it did find a cyst on my left ovary. Cysts are relatively common but this cyst was particularly large in size which left me and the doctor somewhat worried. I tried to put it out of my mind because they are so common, but I have not had one of those in about 23 years..so a little mystifying. The doctor took the wait and see approach and upon nearing the date of review, I started to think the worst things possible...the cyst had grown and was now something to be reckoned with or I had cancer! Luckily the cyst had reduced and was no longer of any concern.
Last week I went in for a routine mammogram and the tests results on my left breast were inconclusive requiring the radiology department to call me and set up another visit for further evaluation. Once again...I am back into the worry arena...what could they have seen which would cause the test to be inconclusive...was it a cyst or a mass..is this normal or am I in the beginning stages of breast cancer? I went back in today and they took more pictures. Then the doctor decided that we needed to go a step further and do a sonogram of the area of concern...which of course causes more concern...Luckily the sonogram showed the reality of what was going on which of course is the fact that apparently I have very lumpy breast tissue which messes with mammogram images!
Ok...so two lucky breaks within a month of each other...dare I ask for more? Part of why I am writing this post is not to bore anyone with my health issues, but to help clarify what I had been feeling but did not have the guts to say out loud, because when you say it out loud it becomes reality and that within itself is scarier than the health issues.
Whew! Deep breath and here it goes....I have realized that I am no longer ok with being alone...there I said it...now it has life! As I was dealing with the two issues I described, I began to feel like something other than my health was amiss...I had been fighting something but was unaware of what it was. It came to me like one of those AHA moments...I'm tired of being alone. I want to have someone to share these fears with, someone who has the ability to know that i'm scared and knows what to do to comfort me. I have a great group of friends and I know that at any given moment I can call any one of them and share my fears and they will undoubtedly come to my aid and try to help me in any way they can and for that I am so grateful and blessed. It also carries with it a tremendous amount of guilt.
Guilt for wanting more.
Last year I was experiencing an issue with my hip...lack of range of motion and pain. After several different visits to specialists the insurance company relented and allowed me to have an MRI which found no significant reasoning for the hip issue, however, it did find a cyst on my left ovary. Cysts are relatively common but this cyst was particularly large in size which left me and the doctor somewhat worried. I tried to put it out of my mind because they are so common, but I have not had one of those in about 23 years..so a little mystifying. The doctor took the wait and see approach and upon nearing the date of review, I started to think the worst things possible...the cyst had grown and was now something to be reckoned with or I had cancer! Luckily the cyst had reduced and was no longer of any concern.
Last week I went in for a routine mammogram and the tests results on my left breast were inconclusive requiring the radiology department to call me and set up another visit for further evaluation. Once again...I am back into the worry arena...what could they have seen which would cause the test to be inconclusive...was it a cyst or a mass..is this normal or am I in the beginning stages of breast cancer? I went back in today and they took more pictures. Then the doctor decided that we needed to go a step further and do a sonogram of the area of concern...which of course causes more concern...Luckily the sonogram showed the reality of what was going on which of course is the fact that apparently I have very lumpy breast tissue which messes with mammogram images!
Ok...so two lucky breaks within a month of each other...dare I ask for more? Part of why I am writing this post is not to bore anyone with my health issues, but to help clarify what I had been feeling but did not have the guts to say out loud, because when you say it out loud it becomes reality and that within itself is scarier than the health issues.
Whew! Deep breath and here it goes....I have realized that I am no longer ok with being alone...there I said it...now it has life! As I was dealing with the two issues I described, I began to feel like something other than my health was amiss...I had been fighting something but was unaware of what it was. It came to me like one of those AHA moments...I'm tired of being alone. I want to have someone to share these fears with, someone who has the ability to know that i'm scared and knows what to do to comfort me. I have a great group of friends and I know that at any given moment I can call any one of them and share my fears and they will undoubtedly come to my aid and try to help me in any way they can and for that I am so grateful and blessed. It also carries with it a tremendous amount of guilt.
Guilt for wanting more.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Wishing and Hoping
Kind of like my last post I find myself in a position of wishing and hoping. The thing that I thought was gone...returned and then left again. Again, I've said many prayers, asked God for understanding, asked God to give me what I want and when that didn't work...I cried and not just a couple of tears...I cried a down to my knees, gut wrenching, sobbing cry. I begged God to help me understand why I seem to be the only one who is struggling with this.
Virtually everyone in my life has someone significant in their lives and this seems to be elusive to me. I have a couple of girlfriends that have been married for more than 15 years and they don't seem to appreciate what they truly have...unless it's a brave face to help me not feel so bad, but I doubt it. When I was married I didn't appreciate what I had. I took advantage of him and didn't give him the attention he deserved...you see, I was busy...busy going to school, busy working, busy taking care of our kids...he got what was left over and that was not fair to him....so did I blow my chance at love...I hope not, but the outcome is not looking so good.
I went on a date with a guy earlier this month and I thought we had a good time...after the date as he was walking me to my car he made several comments about my body...which led me to believe that he liked what he saw, he asked if he could call/text me...we even texted for a couple of hours after the end of the date and then I never heard from him again...I don't get it! The thing I have been referring to is a friendship that I thought was turning into something more...I guess not. The past week I have not heard from him...like all the others, he just stopped...no explanation, no forewarning...just stopped.
This is why I am confused...what is all the flirting and talking about, if they have no intention of taking it anywhere...and if they did have intentions of taking it somewhere what happened that changed that? I'll never know because they stopped talking to me and after doing the relationship autopsy I still can't come up with an explanation...so I'm left asking God about it and waiting to see if something comes thru subconsciously, but so far, nothing!
One of the main tenants of a twelve step program is to "Let go and let God"...easier said than done...I don't like to let go of anything that does not have claw marks on it...I try to keep myself and my mind occupied, but the thoughts continue to sneak through...I still check my instant messaging and text messages to see if they have came to their senses..to no avail. I try very hard not to take things personally but you know all these guys have one common denominator...ME...so how can I not take the rejection personally? After all, even if it is something with them that makes them walk...it is still a rejection...you can spin it anyway you want...rejection is rejection and hurts all the same.
Tonight while trying to understand this phenomenon I decided to check out some podcasts and found all of them lacking in clear advice or understanding. I wish that my brain had a file folder in it marked "Don't Understand" and when I run across these things that I clearly don't understand and there is no possibility to understand, I can just file it there and forget about it.
I am not desperate to find someone! I am OK with being alone and most days I actually prefer being alone, but sometimes it would be really nice to have someone there...like when I have a really bad day, it would be nice to have someone hold me and tell me they care and tell me how it will all be better in the morning. You don't really realize how starved for the human touch you can get until you don't get it anymore. I haven't had anything serious in over 2 years and I miss it...I miss just hanging out with someone...cuddling on the couch and watching a movie...I miss just having someone there.....I guess God is still trying to figure out what to do with me!
Virtually everyone in my life has someone significant in their lives and this seems to be elusive to me. I have a couple of girlfriends that have been married for more than 15 years and they don't seem to appreciate what they truly have...unless it's a brave face to help me not feel so bad, but I doubt it. When I was married I didn't appreciate what I had. I took advantage of him and didn't give him the attention he deserved...you see, I was busy...busy going to school, busy working, busy taking care of our kids...he got what was left over and that was not fair to him....so did I blow my chance at love...I hope not, but the outcome is not looking so good.
I went on a date with a guy earlier this month and I thought we had a good time...after the date as he was walking me to my car he made several comments about my body...which led me to believe that he liked what he saw, he asked if he could call/text me...we even texted for a couple of hours after the end of the date and then I never heard from him again...I don't get it! The thing I have been referring to is a friendship that I thought was turning into something more...I guess not. The past week I have not heard from him...like all the others, he just stopped...no explanation, no forewarning...just stopped.
This is why I am confused...what is all the flirting and talking about, if they have no intention of taking it anywhere...and if they did have intentions of taking it somewhere what happened that changed that? I'll never know because they stopped talking to me and after doing the relationship autopsy I still can't come up with an explanation...so I'm left asking God about it and waiting to see if something comes thru subconsciously, but so far, nothing!
One of the main tenants of a twelve step program is to "Let go and let God"...easier said than done...I don't like to let go of anything that does not have claw marks on it...I try to keep myself and my mind occupied, but the thoughts continue to sneak through...I still check my instant messaging and text messages to see if they have came to their senses..to no avail. I try very hard not to take things personally but you know all these guys have one common denominator...ME...so how can I not take the rejection personally? After all, even if it is something with them that makes them walk...it is still a rejection...you can spin it anyway you want...rejection is rejection and hurts all the same.
Tonight while trying to understand this phenomenon I decided to check out some podcasts and found all of them lacking in clear advice or understanding. I wish that my brain had a file folder in it marked "Don't Understand" and when I run across these things that I clearly don't understand and there is no possibility to understand, I can just file it there and forget about it.
I am not desperate to find someone! I am OK with being alone and most days I actually prefer being alone, but sometimes it would be really nice to have someone there...like when I have a really bad day, it would be nice to have someone hold me and tell me they care and tell me how it will all be better in the morning. You don't really realize how starved for the human touch you can get until you don't get it anymore. I haven't had anything serious in over 2 years and I miss it...I miss just hanging out with someone...cuddling on the couch and watching a movie...I miss just having someone there.....I guess God is still trying to figure out what to do with me!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wandering/Pondering
Was it really what I thought it was?
How do I make it more than it is?
Can it be more than it is?
It is what it is or is it?
Tonight finds me in a wandering, pondering arena. I have this situation in which I thought that something was becoming more than what I thought it was, but just as quickly as it started to change, it reverted back to what it was in the beginning. Confusing? Yes. So where does it go from here. I've said many prayers over this and promised God that I would let go and let him do what he will with it....but what if I don't like his outcome? Is it really that easy to just let it go? I hope so! I didn't go looking for it, but was very happy it was here and now it is probably gone and I want it back...I waited patiently for it to arrive and when I thought it was here I was happy and looking forward to the change that it may bring...counting my chickens before they hatch...probably...but is that a bad thing? In this case, it appears so. I set myself up for disappointment. Let my expectations get ahead of me. So how do I turn this around? I don't know that I can...it's not within my power to control the outcome...as much as I would like to, I just can't because it would require me to control something that is out of my control...wow, that's a mouthful!
So do I say "It is what it is" and just move forward? Probably...but it's going to be hard not to look back and wish it were different. I usually think of things in the positive, but this is proving to be difficult. What I want to do is reminisce about the joy and laughter it brought to me for the short time it was here. It's hard not to look at the picture and wish that things were different....
How do I make it more than it is?
Can it be more than it is?
It is what it is or is it?
Tonight finds me in a wandering, pondering arena. I have this situation in which I thought that something was becoming more than what I thought it was, but just as quickly as it started to change, it reverted back to what it was in the beginning. Confusing? Yes. So where does it go from here. I've said many prayers over this and promised God that I would let go and let him do what he will with it....but what if I don't like his outcome? Is it really that easy to just let it go? I hope so! I didn't go looking for it, but was very happy it was here and now it is probably gone and I want it back...I waited patiently for it to arrive and when I thought it was here I was happy and looking forward to the change that it may bring...counting my chickens before they hatch...probably...but is that a bad thing? In this case, it appears so. I set myself up for disappointment. Let my expectations get ahead of me. So how do I turn this around? I don't know that I can...it's not within my power to control the outcome...as much as I would like to, I just can't because it would require me to control something that is out of my control...wow, that's a mouthful!
So do I say "It is what it is" and just move forward? Probably...but it's going to be hard not to look back and wish it were different. I usually think of things in the positive, but this is proving to be difficult. What I want to do is reminisce about the joy and laughter it brought to me for the short time it was here. It's hard not to look at the picture and wish that things were different....
Friday, October 7, 2011
Ahh ooh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Let's give credit where credit is due...this blog is named after one of my favorite songs...Shambala...by Three Dog Night.
"The song is about the mythical kingdom of Shambala, said to be hidden somewhere within or beyond the peaks of the Himalayas and mentioned in various ancient texts including the Kalachakra Tantra and ancient texts of Tibetan Buddhism.[6]
The lyrics refer to a situation where kindness and cooperation are universal, joy and good fortune abound, and psychological burdens are lifted." (Wikipedia).
Written in the early 70s when I was not quite 10, this song has always evoked a sense of happiness and peace within me. I had forgotten about my love for this song until I watched the tv show Lost. The main scene shows three of the shows actors finding a VW Bug van with beer inside. They drink the beer and start up the van and when the van starts this song is playing on the radio and with it's magical powers transforms their cares and worries into a blissful couple of minutes.
So with this thought in mind is it truly possible to transform our worries and cares into bliss? If so, how do we achieve such a goal? Is it a conscious decision? The song suggests that kindness and cooperation are the foundation for joy and good fortune. So does this mean if I am kind to others and help (cooperate) in ways that shows kindness to other that I will be rewarded with joy and good fortune? Should we put this theory to the test?
October 7, 2011, is going to be a very busy, stressful and important day in my life. I am purchasing a house and getting back out into the big, bad, world once again. I have been living with family members for the last 2 years while I finish my master's degree and get back on solid ground financially. The financial part has been a little tougher to get a handle on, but hopefully I will be getting a better grip on it. You see, I thought that moving in with these family members would allow me to save and get out of debt, however, 2 years later, I am still in debt and have managed to only save enough to put a down payment on a house...so not much progress.
I am going to test this theory as a way of changing my focus and achieving the goal of getting out of debt. By extending kindness and cooperation to others I am curious as to how it is going to change how I feel about myself and allow for me to make sound financial decisions based on need and practicality rather than want and fulfillment.
It must be working....i'm already feeling better!!!
"The song is about the mythical kingdom of Shambala, said to be hidden somewhere within or beyond the peaks of the Himalayas and mentioned in various ancient texts including the Kalachakra Tantra and ancient texts of Tibetan Buddhism.[6]
The lyrics refer to a situation where kindness and cooperation are universal, joy and good fortune abound, and psychological burdens are lifted." (Wikipedia).
Written in the early 70s when I was not quite 10, this song has always evoked a sense of happiness and peace within me. I had forgotten about my love for this song until I watched the tv show Lost. The main scene shows three of the shows actors finding a VW Bug van with beer inside. They drink the beer and start up the van and when the van starts this song is playing on the radio and with it's magical powers transforms their cares and worries into a blissful couple of minutes.
So with this thought in mind is it truly possible to transform our worries and cares into bliss? If so, how do we achieve such a goal? Is it a conscious decision? The song suggests that kindness and cooperation are the foundation for joy and good fortune. So does this mean if I am kind to others and help (cooperate) in ways that shows kindness to other that I will be rewarded with joy and good fortune? Should we put this theory to the test?
October 7, 2011, is going to be a very busy, stressful and important day in my life. I am purchasing a house and getting back out into the big, bad, world once again. I have been living with family members for the last 2 years while I finish my master's degree and get back on solid ground financially. The financial part has been a little tougher to get a handle on, but hopefully I will be getting a better grip on it. You see, I thought that moving in with these family members would allow me to save and get out of debt, however, 2 years later, I am still in debt and have managed to only save enough to put a down payment on a house...so not much progress.
I am going to test this theory as a way of changing my focus and achieving the goal of getting out of debt. By extending kindness and cooperation to others I am curious as to how it is going to change how I feel about myself and allow for me to make sound financial decisions based on need and practicality rather than want and fulfillment.
It must be working....i'm already feeling better!!!
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