Tonight as I was speaking with a close friend I found myself near tears as I thought about events of the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of health issues that luckily turned out to be nothing, however, the worry and fear leading to the outcome seemed manageable until it became overwhelming. The funny thing about being overwhelmed is that you don't know you are overwhelmed until you are actually overwhelmed!
Last year I was experiencing an issue with my hip...lack of range of motion and pain. After several different visits to specialists the insurance company relented and allowed me to have an MRI which found no significant reasoning for the hip issue, however, it did find a cyst on my left ovary. Cysts are relatively common but this cyst was particularly large in size which left me and the doctor somewhat worried. I tried to put it out of my mind because they are so common, but I have not had one of those in about 23 years..so a little mystifying. The doctor took the wait and see approach and upon nearing the date of review, I started to think the worst things possible...the cyst had grown and was now something to be reckoned with or I had cancer! Luckily the cyst had reduced and was no longer of any concern.
Last week I went in for a routine mammogram and the tests results on my left breast were inconclusive requiring the radiology department to call me and set up another visit for further evaluation. Once again...I am back into the worry arena...what could they have seen which would cause the test to be inconclusive...was it a cyst or a mass..is this normal or am I in the beginning stages of breast cancer? I went back in today and they took more pictures. Then the doctor decided that we needed to go a step further and do a sonogram of the area of concern...which of course causes more concern...Luckily the sonogram showed the reality of what was going on which of course is the fact that apparently I have very lumpy breast tissue which messes with mammogram images!
Ok...so two lucky breaks within a month of each other...dare I ask for more? Part of why I am writing this post is not to bore anyone with my health issues, but to help clarify what I had been feeling but did not have the guts to say out loud, because when you say it out loud it becomes reality and that within itself is scarier than the health issues.
Whew! Deep breath and here it goes....I have realized that I am no longer ok with being alone...there I said it...now it has life! As I was dealing with the two issues I described, I began to feel like something other than my health was amiss...I had been fighting something but was unaware of what it was. It came to me like one of those AHA moments...I'm tired of being alone. I want to have someone to share these fears with, someone who has the ability to know that i'm scared and knows what to do to comfort me. I have a great group of friends and I know that at any given moment I can call any one of them and share my fears and they will undoubtedly come to my aid and try to help me in any way they can and for that I am so grateful and blessed. It also carries with it a tremendous amount of guilt.
Guilt for wanting more.
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