Kind of like my last post I find myself in a position of wishing and hoping. The thing that I thought was gone...returned and then left again. Again, I've said many prayers, asked God for understanding, asked God to give me what I want and when that didn't work...I cried and not just a couple of tears...I cried a down to my knees, gut wrenching, sobbing cry. I begged God to help me understand why I seem to be the only one who is struggling with this.
Virtually everyone in my life has someone significant in their lives and this seems to be elusive to me. I have a couple of girlfriends that have been married for more than 15 years and they don't seem to appreciate what they truly have...unless it's a brave face to help me not feel so bad, but I doubt it. When I was married I didn't appreciate what I had. I took advantage of him and didn't give him the attention he deserved...you see, I was busy...busy going to school, busy working, busy taking care of our kids...he got what was left over and that was not fair to him....so did I blow my chance at love...I hope not, but the outcome is not looking so good.
I went on a date with a guy earlier this month and I thought we had a good time...after the date as he was walking me to my car he made several comments about my body...which led me to believe that he liked what he saw, he asked if he could call/text me...we even texted for a couple of hours after the end of the date and then I never heard from him again...I don't get it! The thing I have been referring to is a friendship that I thought was turning into something more...I guess not. The past week I have not heard from him...like all the others, he just stopped...no explanation, no forewarning...just stopped.
This is why I am confused...what is all the flirting and talking about, if they have no intention of taking it anywhere...and if they did have intentions of taking it somewhere what happened that changed that? I'll never know because they stopped talking to me and after doing the relationship autopsy I still can't come up with an explanation...so I'm left asking God about it and waiting to see if something comes thru subconsciously, but so far, nothing!
One of the main tenants of a twelve step program is to "Let go and let God"...easier said than done...I don't like to let go of anything that does not have claw marks on it...I try to keep myself and my mind occupied, but the thoughts continue to sneak through...I still check my instant messaging and text messages to see if they have came to their senses..to no avail. I try very hard not to take things personally but you know all these guys have one common denominator...ME...so how can I not take the rejection personally? After all, even if it is something with them that makes them walk...it is still a rejection...you can spin it anyway you want...rejection is rejection and hurts all the same.
Tonight while trying to understand this phenomenon I decided to check out some podcasts and found all of them lacking in clear advice or understanding. I wish that my brain had a file folder in it marked "Don't Understand" and when I run across these things that I clearly don't understand and there is no possibility to understand, I can just file it there and forget about it.
I am not desperate to find someone! I am OK with being alone and most days I actually prefer being alone, but sometimes it would be really nice to have someone there...like when I have a really bad day, it would be nice to have someone hold me and tell me they care and tell me how it will all be better in the morning. You don't really realize how starved for the human touch you can get until you don't get it anymore. I haven't had anything serious in over 2 years and I miss it...I miss just hanging out with someone...cuddling on the couch and watching a movie...I miss just having someone there.....I guess God is still trying to figure out what to do with me!
