Tonight finds me back in familiar territory...wishing, hoping, wondering...confusion, fear, hurt and anxiety!
I wonder if I completely misread the situation. I am confused about the situation. Wishing and hoping the situation is not what I fear and Anxious that the situation is exactly what I fear!
Steve came to see me on Sunday. I made dinner and dessert. He ranted about how good my Lasagna was and ate quite a bit of it (Even took home leftovers). We talked about a lot of things and the evening seemed to be easy and comfortable. He seemed reluctant to leave and after having been there for 8 hours, he finally kissed me...which was pure heaven! the kiss led to more...which is something that I had wanted for quite some time. We spent the next fours hours having sex, talking and exploring each other. He seemed happy when he left. We were both exhausted and he had a long drive ahead of him....I sent him a message later in the morning on Monday checking on him and seeing how he was holding up with so little sleep. He responded and seemed happy. He sent me a message on Valentines day and we sent several messages back and forth that day.
I have not heard from him since.....
Where is he...What is he doing....Why has he not contacted me?
Does he think that all I want is sex? Is that all he wants? A while back when we were flirting via text messaging I was getting the impression of exactly that and out of fear, I asked...his response was that he he wanted more, but was unsure of what he wanted...When we were talking I told him that I was unsure if I ever wanted to get married again or if I ever wanted to live with anyone again, but that I was leaving those options open in case life chose to bring me someone that would make me change my mind. Maybe I confused him...maybe since I said that he thinks I just wanted sex...I know I cannot answer these questions....I wonder....
The really weird thing is I get the feeling that he is a lot like me...we think alike in many ways and when we have been talking this theory has been right quite often...so going with this train of thought....he really likes me, but is so scared of getting hurt again, that he lets his fear rule his judgement and keep him from moving forward. Like me, his divorce was tough on him and he admitted to me the other night that while he has dated several women in the four years since his divorce, he has not dated anyone seriously. I on the other hand have had a couple of serious relationships and have met some individuals who have not treated me in a way that I deserve.
So where do I go from here? My emotions are all over the place...I go from thinking that there is some logical reason why there has been no contact to believing that I completely misjudged the type of person that he is...the really odd thing is that I don't think I am wrong...when it comes right down to it...I don't think he is that kind of guy and I am fearful of how it would feel to find out he is. Scares the crap out of me...I really care for him and I want more...I am willing to be patient, but I need more confirmation in order to hold on. I know I could send him a message and wait for the response but I want him to work through his fear and contact me, if in fact it is his fear holding him back....
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Weight of Everything
Tonight as I was speaking with a close friend I found myself near tears as I thought about events of the last couple of weeks. I've had a couple of health issues that luckily turned out to be nothing, however, the worry and fear leading to the outcome seemed manageable until it became overwhelming. The funny thing about being overwhelmed is that you don't know you are overwhelmed until you are actually overwhelmed!
Last year I was experiencing an issue with my hip...lack of range of motion and pain. After several different visits to specialists the insurance company relented and allowed me to have an MRI which found no significant reasoning for the hip issue, however, it did find a cyst on my left ovary. Cysts are relatively common but this cyst was particularly large in size which left me and the doctor somewhat worried. I tried to put it out of my mind because they are so common, but I have not had one of those in about 23 years..so a little mystifying. The doctor took the wait and see approach and upon nearing the date of review, I started to think the worst things possible...the cyst had grown and was now something to be reckoned with or I had cancer! Luckily the cyst had reduced and was no longer of any concern.
Last week I went in for a routine mammogram and the tests results on my left breast were inconclusive requiring the radiology department to call me and set up another visit for further evaluation. Once again...I am back into the worry arena...what could they have seen which would cause the test to be inconclusive...was it a cyst or a mass..is this normal or am I in the beginning stages of breast cancer? I went back in today and they took more pictures. Then the doctor decided that we needed to go a step further and do a sonogram of the area of concern...which of course causes more concern...Luckily the sonogram showed the reality of what was going on which of course is the fact that apparently I have very lumpy breast tissue which messes with mammogram images!
Ok...so two lucky breaks within a month of each other...dare I ask for more? Part of why I am writing this post is not to bore anyone with my health issues, but to help clarify what I had been feeling but did not have the guts to say out loud, because when you say it out loud it becomes reality and that within itself is scarier than the health issues.
Whew! Deep breath and here it goes....I have realized that I am no longer ok with being alone...there I said it...now it has life! As I was dealing with the two issues I described, I began to feel like something other than my health was amiss...I had been fighting something but was unaware of what it was. It came to me like one of those AHA moments...I'm tired of being alone. I want to have someone to share these fears with, someone who has the ability to know that i'm scared and knows what to do to comfort me. I have a great group of friends and I know that at any given moment I can call any one of them and share my fears and they will undoubtedly come to my aid and try to help me in any way they can and for that I am so grateful and blessed. It also carries with it a tremendous amount of guilt.
Guilt for wanting more.
Last year I was experiencing an issue with my hip...lack of range of motion and pain. After several different visits to specialists the insurance company relented and allowed me to have an MRI which found no significant reasoning for the hip issue, however, it did find a cyst on my left ovary. Cysts are relatively common but this cyst was particularly large in size which left me and the doctor somewhat worried. I tried to put it out of my mind because they are so common, but I have not had one of those in about 23 years..so a little mystifying. The doctor took the wait and see approach and upon nearing the date of review, I started to think the worst things possible...the cyst had grown and was now something to be reckoned with or I had cancer! Luckily the cyst had reduced and was no longer of any concern.
Last week I went in for a routine mammogram and the tests results on my left breast were inconclusive requiring the radiology department to call me and set up another visit for further evaluation. Once again...I am back into the worry arena...what could they have seen which would cause the test to be inconclusive...was it a cyst or a mass..is this normal or am I in the beginning stages of breast cancer? I went back in today and they took more pictures. Then the doctor decided that we needed to go a step further and do a sonogram of the area of concern...which of course causes more concern...Luckily the sonogram showed the reality of what was going on which of course is the fact that apparently I have very lumpy breast tissue which messes with mammogram images!
Ok...so two lucky breaks within a month of each other...dare I ask for more? Part of why I am writing this post is not to bore anyone with my health issues, but to help clarify what I had been feeling but did not have the guts to say out loud, because when you say it out loud it becomes reality and that within itself is scarier than the health issues.
Whew! Deep breath and here it goes....I have realized that I am no longer ok with being alone...there I said it...now it has life! As I was dealing with the two issues I described, I began to feel like something other than my health was amiss...I had been fighting something but was unaware of what it was. It came to me like one of those AHA moments...I'm tired of being alone. I want to have someone to share these fears with, someone who has the ability to know that i'm scared and knows what to do to comfort me. I have a great group of friends and I know that at any given moment I can call any one of them and share my fears and they will undoubtedly come to my aid and try to help me in any way they can and for that I am so grateful and blessed. It also carries with it a tremendous amount of guilt.
Guilt for wanting more.
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