Tonight finds me back in familiar territory...wishing, hoping, wondering...confusion, fear, hurt and anxiety!
I wonder if I completely misread the situation. I am confused about the situation. Wishing and hoping the situation is not what I fear and Anxious that the situation is exactly what I fear!
Steve came to see me on Sunday. I made dinner and dessert. He ranted about how good my Lasagna was and ate quite a bit of it (Even took home leftovers). We talked about a lot of things and the evening seemed to be easy and comfortable. He seemed reluctant to leave and after having been there for 8 hours, he finally kissed me...which was pure heaven! the kiss led to more...which is something that I had wanted for quite some time. We spent the next fours hours having sex, talking and exploring each other. He seemed happy when he left. We were both exhausted and he had a long drive ahead of him....I sent him a message later in the morning on Monday checking on him and seeing how he was holding up with so little sleep. He responded and seemed happy. He sent me a message on Valentines day and we sent several messages back and forth that day.
I have not heard from him since.....
Where is he...What is he doing....Why has he not contacted me?
Does he think that all I want is sex? Is that all he wants? A while back when we were flirting via text messaging I was getting the impression of exactly that and out of fear, I asked...his response was that he he wanted more, but was unsure of what he wanted...When we were talking I told him that I was unsure if I ever wanted to get married again or if I ever wanted to live with anyone again, but that I was leaving those options open in case life chose to bring me someone that would make me change my mind. Maybe I confused him...maybe since I said that he thinks I just wanted sex...I know I cannot answer these questions....I wonder....
The really weird thing is I get the feeling that he is a lot like me...we think alike in many ways and when we have been talking this theory has been right quite often...so going with this train of thought....he really likes me, but is so scared of getting hurt again, that he lets his fear rule his judgement and keep him from moving forward. Like me, his divorce was tough on him and he admitted to me the other night that while he has dated several women in the four years since his divorce, he has not dated anyone seriously. I on the other hand have had a couple of serious relationships and have met some individuals who have not treated me in a way that I deserve.
So where do I go from here? My emotions are all over the place...I go from thinking that there is some logical reason why there has been no contact to believing that I completely misjudged the type of person that he is...the really odd thing is that I don't think I am wrong...when it comes right down to it...I don't think he is that kind of guy and I am fearful of how it would feel to find out he is. Scares the crap out of me...I really care for him and I want more...I am willing to be patient, but I need more confirmation in order to hold on. I know I could send him a message and wait for the response but I want him to work through his fear and contact me, if in fact it is his fear holding him back....
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